At Kean freshmen year, no firends, and a five hour delay between class every week on Thursday. Stuck on campus with no car, alone.
I began writing novels at Kean University by accident. What I thought college was wasn't. I thought it was a place to make friends. I didn't. I was friendly in class but once class was over everybody left without saying a word. I felt in the dark. I would go to the library and hide in a computer cubical and cry. At least once a week I would find myself in the library 5 times. I didn't have a car to drive home. My mom had to pick me up when she could leave from work.
The worst was Thursday. I had class from 9:30am till 10:45am and then my next class wasn't till 3pm. I had a four hour delay. Like an airport. I used to call it my "Four hour delay in Phoenix" because it sounded cool at first. It was complete torture.
No friends, eating lunch by yourself. If I walked around I didn't know anybody and kids from my class ignored me. They rather talk to their friends then itroduce me or include me in conversations.
I found my self deppressed. I started talking to my shadow. I would talk to him. He would sometimes answer me back. I had bad dreams. I was so depressed I just hated exsisting.
That's how alone I was. It reminded me so much of high school being alone and no one wanting to do group work with me. I just wanted to shut down like a computer. I used to ssay "I WALK ALONE AND IN THE DARK' when I'm on this campus. I was so miserable. I looked outside and would see a strange world.
I started writing one day. I started writing a novel in the library. I was writing about a prison. About a science fiction prison where the shadow came to life and talked to me. How robots in the prison were the guards. I viewed the robots as teachers and fellow students. Lifeless creatures without any remorse or feelings. No social contact or hummanity left within them. How I was in a cubical cell with no windows and bars and I was in solitary confindement and I reflected it in my work.
Soon the story got longer. To entertain myself I wrote. I would write so much in one day if my mood wasn't so sad. I just wrote in the book I wished I had one friend. One person to talk besides my shadow. The shadow was negative he was silent and horrible. I felt miserable everyday. I continued to write. I need to express being trappped in my mind for hours in a week. No talking, just being trapped in one's mind with the most darkest sorrow and the ultimate torture of utter silence that would never stop. I wrote about the prisoners being treated like pets mindless beings as the robots followed their laws. That they couldn't be trusted to eat without tubes in their mouths. How the robots would watch your pulse to see if you get angry and attack. Which reflected my fellow students and teachers. They watched me with eyes of such unintrest it made me feel like a lesser being.
I used to say "I am a piece of shit next to a piece of shit that's part of a bigger piece of shit" at this college and nobody cares.
I would write trying to remain happy. Some days I couldn't some days I broke down and cried because class was bad and I was stressed. And group work nobody wanted to work with me or talk to me. They saw me as such a piece of skum I wanted to just disappear from exsistance. No text messages, no phone, calls from my other firneds from high school. They forgot about me. the world seemed to...forget about me...why....what did I do?
I ended the semester at Kean wtih 165 pages of writing. I survived mentally, thankfully because of writing.