Dear Summit High School Administration,
I have been a loyal Summit resident for over 30 years now and I just wanted to share my approval of your policies. I have never seen a school administration that was so friendly, hard-working, and fiscally responsible.
Let me first share my thoughts of our school’s financial state. I give two big thumbs up! Your administration has overseen many useful innovations funded by the Summit taxpayer. Your extensive installation of Smart Boards and ELMO technology has made certain that old, obsolete technology such as the whiteboard and textbooks never sees the light of day. These mediocre educational tools are a thing of the past. Rumor has it that they are even being used In Elizabeth and Newark! That’s an embarrassment. They should not be allowed near our prestigious learning environment that is Summit High School!
I must commend your technology budget as well. Due to your economical and effective management of Summit High School’s technology funds, every Summit High School student, regardless of age, color, gender or sexual orientation, will be permitted to play online games at the speed of light. He or she will finally be able to check his or her March Madness bracket within seconds! No longer will the rustic, outmoded technology of last year taint our fine educational institution!
Myself and my fellow taxpayers have finally convinced our opponents who cry “fiscal irresponsibility” that we are helping children more with this current administration than ever before. We have shown our town that those who are not willing to pledge their lives, fortunes, and sacred honor to our schools not only hate children, but are abusive parents! Shame! Such stinginess makes me sick. But, I digress. Your administration’s achievements don’t end there!
Our state-of-the-art library, filled to the brim with a collective hundreds of thousands of dollars’ worth of literature has made fine barriers for hide-and-go-seek during study hall. Our students now have a monstrous selection of books to jokingly hide in a fellow students backpack to make the detector (also worth thousands of dollars), go off. These are the kind of results I expect. But it doesn’t end there, my friends. Our modern library is staffed by two, not one, but two, informative and helpful librarians. Their Master’s degrees and six figure salaries guarantee that no table will hold more than four students during study hall. They’re expertise has also holds true with their disciplinarian abilities, writing up the foolish children who leave two minutes early for lunch. Such rebellion will not stand! Last but not least, these public servants will leave no New York Times Crossword unfinished!
But enough of the library, you know how useful it is; you fund it! I now move to our school’s brand new Media Studio located near the gym. This technological wonder promises entertainment for all that attend. Make a funny face in front of the green screen! Change your background to a cute koala bear! You can even edit iMovie so that your opening credits appear underwater! There’s no limit to the advancements in technology our school can undergo! This media studio has ensured that Summit High School can remain as far away budget-wise and culture-wise from the crumbling, disgraceful schools east of here. We’re better than that, and we’ve got the money to prove it!
The new auditorium is spectacular as well! Quite a genius design if I do say so myself. Those new light fixtures were worth the wait! And that wood paneling? Déjà vu! This environmental cleanup project made the auditorium free of harmful chemicals. And just in time! These detrimental substances were only now becoming dangerous (I was told that the decades before this don’t count). And to hear that over the course of the project, after tens of thousands were spent, almost 6 jobs were created? Incredible! I now know that movement is always equal to progress!
On to Physical education. What a fantastic program! In regard to physical education teachers, our fine school boasts and incredible 37.5% teacher retention rate since 2008! Now that’s stability! These fine instructors oversee all push-up completion matters, brandishing their magical powers of minus 2! And right they should! Any stressed-out overweight self-conscious child with social problems should be made to pay if he or she skips a push-up. If they don’t learn from an over-chiseled, narcissistic, power-hungry "teacher", who will they learn from? Their parents? I chuckle at the thought! Moral lessons need to be taught by complete strangers and no one else. I would also like to convey my support of your salary formula. It is always great to hear that a chief executive of a major retail corporation or a lead chemist from a giant pharmaceutical company is on the same pay level as someone whose sole ability is organizing red and blue teams for soccer.
If you will allow me, I must quickly respond to the recent, outlandish criticisms of your administration. Those on the “Fiscally responsible” Side have expressed their desire of installing a mirror in the upstairs men’s room and eliminating that smell in the main stairwell or even, and brace yourself for this one: Air conditioning! Really? Since when is a comfortable learning environment more important than new technology? If we don’t keep up with every single new piece of equipment, useful or not, our school will fall behind. And the more we fall behind, the more we become like the Undesirable Schools. I shudder at the thought. And besides, who wants their name on the new air conditioning grant? No one that’s who. The simple fact of the matter is Summit is too prestigious for dirty, industrial knickknacks like a mirror or air conditioning. We have a reputation to maintain, and a good one at that!
The other day, I saw one of your administrators, a Mr. Anthony Akey, in the senior parking lot prosecuting parking sticker violations. He seemed to be out on patrol for almost a full hour, making sure not a single vacant spot was filled illicitly. Let me say, that’s $150,000 a year well spent! Who needs outdated, non-social duties like staff meetings or teacher review when there are laughs to be had? Oh, and on the subject of Mr. Akey, let’s keep this “Akey Responds” thing going. I read a few articles, and I chuckled to say the least! Never before have I seen such wit! “Where there’s young independent thought, there’s a suicide to be provoked!” That’s what I always say, and it looks like Tony’s one step ahead! Or eight morning lates ahead! I suppose this is where he makes most of his salary.
Lab days have always been a favorite of mine. Why have a regular amount of chemistry or biology when you can double it without a break! Everyone knows those are the most popular career fields, so they should be treated as such.
Your block scheduling idea was fantastic too! I mean let’s be honest, you and I both know that these projects are always “3-5 years away”, but changing the whole day like that to make students feel like they’re not part of the systematic machine, and, more importantly, making them feel like they can change something? Genius! Ever since I heard of that walkout (the one where you threatened to suspend anyone who was absent for a day) I knew something needed to quell the unrest. But, once again, you’re way ahead of me. This just keeps reminding us that free speech and thought is not a luxury we can afford these days. My darling-angel can’t be left to his own thoughts! He’d be using marijuana or even doing sex to girls! No. I can’t have that. My child will learn the discipline of imitation. He will learn from your stern institution that it is not acceptable to make the same mistakes we all never made as children. Perfection demands it!
On a lighter note, the only concern I have with your students is that many of your seniors are not aware that eight morning lates results in loss of parking “privileges”. Perhaps telling them some more at random times during lunch should jog their memory.
Anyway, I’m afraid I must cut this short, as my lunch break is almost over. I suppose, in conclusion, keep up the good work! I’m with you, and I know most of the town is with you! Good luck in your future endeavors!
The Summit Taxpayer
P.S. My son recently graduated from college and is currently looking for a job. He majored in Philosophy and minored in Sociology, and I was wondering if you would consider hiring him. And when you do, it would be great if you could start him three pay grades above the normal rate. That would be super. Otherwise this donation fund or whatever might find itself light this year. Thanks again.